Surprised by joy

Carla and I are in Denver at the Evangelical Covenant Pastor’s Conference. This morning something happened between us that sort of shocked…and deeply encouraged me. In a word, I found myself spontaneously caring, deeply caring, tearfully caring more about Carla – in that moment – than I cared about myself. Of course, this isn’t the first time I have cared about Carla [it better not have been, after 32 years of marriage!!]. But the unique feature is the setting – we’re at a pastor’s conference. I’m a pastor. This conference is about me. It’s about my stuff, my needs, my career, my training. And truth be told – it has always been so easy to make everything about me – because pastoring is about doing “God’s work, saving people, bringing His Kingdom to earth”…blah, blah, blah. It has always been so easy to think, “How does any other focus compare with that?”

And yet, this morning, I found myself overwhelmed with Carla’s needs, Carla’s wants, Carla’s hopes and Carla’s joys. Specifically, she has been able to spend time with Leigh Anne, our middle daughter, who is a student at Denver Theological Seminary. I have gotten to watch – during our times together this week, Carla and Leigh Anne enjoy each other so very, very much! There is nothing that gives Carla more joy these days, as an empty nester, than spending time with her girls. And this morning, as I watched Carla bounce around the hotel room, grinning, smiling, joking – almost giddy to be with Leigh Anne – I got tears in my eyes as I realized how much I love her…and how much joy I felt, anticipating WITH her, the time she would be having with our daughter. I took her in my arms, told her how beautiful she is, and then prayed for her – asking our Father to give her yet another good day – not a perfect day – but a satisfying, connecting, deepening and good day with Leigh Anne.

I will see both Carla and Leigh Anne this evening and get the privilege of once again “feeling” my wife’s deep joy and gratitude for her connection with one of her girls. And this night – I will also have a thankful awareness that our good God is still working with me and in me, to take me out of myself, beyond myself, in spite of myself, to authentically feel for and care about those closest to me.

This might seem small to some of you reading this blog today – but knowing the bondage of the trap of self-centeredness that I have wrestled with – for years – in my marriage – this day is huge…huge for me.