Shame

In the 90’s, Atlantic Monthly devoted an entire issue to the subject of “shame”. They referred to shame as the most powerful and pervasive emotion “of our day”. Strong words. Here we are in 2010 and I would say that shame is still alive, well, pervasive and incredibly debilitating. Shame is the feeling, not that “I have done a wrong thing…but I AM a wrong thing.” Shame is present when we find ourselves listening to an inner voice of contempt that tells us we aren’t good enough, that we have never been good enough, that we never will be good enough…that no matter how hard we try, we will always be “different, less than, hopelessly deformed” in comparison with other human beings. We are not pretty enough, talented enough, smart enough…that practice as we might, we will always fall short of the standard of “normal”. Shame is not guilt. Guilt can be forgiven. The only antidote for shame is that we become non-existent.

Shame is so strong that it turns us into “egomaniacs with an inferiority complex.” Shame is all-encompassing. It penetrates every crevasse of our psyche and creates such deep emptiness and wound that all we can think about is ourselves…we have no fullness of spirit out of which to love anyone else. Shame is depressing. Shame is de-motivating. Shame makes us feel like crawling in a whole…and dying.

Is there an antidote for shame? Psalm 34:5 says, “They looked to Him and were radiant…and their faces were not ashamed.” If we will give ourselves permission to grieve our wounds and losses that began to speak the shame to us to begin with [we were NOT born with this shame!] – we will begin to hear ever so faintly a voice in the distance…calling us “the beloved.” This grieving takes time and it can feel like peeling the layers of an onion. The shame inducing losses that need to be grieved can be from our distant past [many of them are] – or from events and relationships and experiences in our every day lives in the present. [I have even felt “shame” after giving a talk on “shame”!!] But these losses must be grieved…eventually the circumstances or individuals who have hurt us must be forgiven…and ultimately we will be able to let go of the shame and amazingly…the voice of our Father will begin to clearly, sweetly, deeply call out to us His words of affirmation, affection, direction and love.

Henri Nouwen says it so clearly in “Return of the Prodigal Son”, “I cannot make myself loved…true freedom [from shame] I cannot fabricate for myself. That must be given to me. I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the Shepherd who goes out to find me.” Grieving, forgiving and letting go will not MAKE us feel loved. But by God’s grace, this process helps us create space for our Father to do His work of healing us and calling us to Himself, our true home. It is only there, in His arms, that we find true peace and relief from the shouting voices of shame that have shackled so many of us for so long.

May today be a day of grieving, forgiving and letting go…a day where we take significant steps toward our Father who is waiting for each of us with His arms of love. The Psalmist says, “Weeping endures for a night. Joy comes in the morning.” I pray that joy might begin to peek through the shame, today, for many who are reading this blog. Please pray for me as well, as I, too walk toward my Father’s outstretched hand and heart…leaving the shame behind.